Let's take a look. There are two separate currents of influence in our culture around the idea of self-love. One is that we're not supposed to focus on ourselves. In fact, this point of view holds that one of the highest achievements in life is to be self-less. This influence probably has its origins way back in history when self-sacrifice was exactly what was called for in order for a family or tribe to survive. In survival mode, selflessness makes sense. As a parent, I can say unequivocally that I would lay my life down for my son. I would jumpt in front of a bullet or a car so that he could live. I have no doubt he would do the same for his son. Parental love is just that powerful. But most of us, especially in the U.S., do not live in a perpetual state of threat where this should become our dominant inner operating mode. In more recent history, the 1500's, it seems that John Calvin espoused a form of religious belief that counseled subjugation of the self. The Puritans who were among the earliest white settlers on our land no doubt were influenced by this thought and injected it into the nascent American culture. The modern day equivalent of this sort of thinking can be seen in expressions such as, "Who do you think you are?" and "Don't get too big for your britches" and "Faith before self."
There is another current of influence that is directly opposite and finds its origins, ironically, in some of the earliest Christian teachings. This is embodied in "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Think about this. We are not just counseled to love our neighbors. We are not counseled to love them more than ourselves. We are counseled to love them as ourselves. If we turn the saying around, it would read, "Love thyself as thy neighbors." In other words, there is sense to loving ourselves. The sense is that love is a general state of being, a kind of disposition or abiding energy and it is born within us, lives within us and we should welcome it and nurture it by loving ourselves, by appreciating the miracle that is me, to put it almost too cutely. So it is good to appreciate that the life force moves in me, that I am a wonder, that there is only one of me in the univerise, that I am a unique and special creation of God's worthy of adoration. The brilliance of the saying is ultimately in its balance, however. It implicitly tempers us so that we don't fall into self-indulgence or
narcissisim. After all, our love for ourselves should be as it is for our neighbors...not as it would be for a god,
because we are not gods. We are part of community engendered by the Divine.
Perhaps the critical point for us in this world today is to affirm that love is a fulsome positive and embracing energetic state. It doesn't exclude, except in degree. If I can truly love, then I love myself in the manner described above. If I can truly love, then my love tends to flow out to everyone until someone tries to thwart it. Even then, we are counseled to "Love thine enemies." This is a much tougher charge, no doubt, and worth a separate blog in the future. But for now, let's affirm that to the degree that my honest self-love falls short, to the degree that I may have self-loathing within me, I am limited in how much love I can give outwardly. My loving of my partner, my family, my friends, community, country and mankind will be tainted, distorted in some way. For whatever lives within me is eventually projected out onto the world in some way.
Bottom line? Whether you're looking for love over 60, or at any age, self-love is not an afterthought...after we find our soul-mate in the world. It is something that calls to be cultivated on a regular basis in self-nurturing, self-soothing and inner work with our own shadows with counselors, therapists and/or spiritual and life coaches. It is certainly not self-indulgence, which springs from a deficiency of self-love. Self-indulgence is an attempt to fill a hole within us which was put there early in our lives and cannot truly be filled later. But, it can be healed. People say, "Forget the past. You can't change it." But you can change how it lives in your...grieving does that. It can heal up that hole over time. And as it does, it makes more positive loving energy available for you to love your life and those in it. If you are loving being alive as you, you are far more likely to attract a vibrant companion to make your days even richer.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
There is another current of influence that is directly opposite and finds its origins, ironically, in some of the earliest Christian teachings. This is embodied in "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Think about this. We are not just counseled to love our neighbors. We are not counseled to love them more than ourselves. We are counseled to love them as ourselves. If we turn the saying around, it would read, "Love thyself as thy neighbors." In other words, there is sense to loving ourselves. The sense is that love is a general state of being, a kind of disposition or abiding energy and it is born within us, lives within us and we should welcome it and nurture it by loving ourselves, by appreciating the miracle that is me, to put it almost too cutely. So it is good to appreciate that the life force moves in me, that I am a wonder, that there is only one of me in the univerise, that I am a unique and special creation of God's worthy of adoration. The brilliance of the saying is ultimately in its balance, however. It implicitly tempers us so that we don't fall into self-indulgence or
narcissisim. After all, our love for ourselves should be as it is for our neighbors...not as it would be for a god,
because we are not gods. We are part of community engendered by the Divine.
Perhaps the critical point for us in this world today is to affirm that love is a fulsome positive and embracing energetic state. It doesn't exclude, except in degree. If I can truly love, then I love myself in the manner described above. If I can truly love, then my love tends to flow out to everyone until someone tries to thwart it. Even then, we are counseled to "Love thine enemies." This is a much tougher charge, no doubt, and worth a separate blog in the future. But for now, let's affirm that to the degree that my honest self-love falls short, to the degree that I may have self-loathing within me, I am limited in how much love I can give outwardly. My loving of my partner, my family, my friends, community, country and mankind will be tainted, distorted in some way. For whatever lives within me is eventually projected out onto the world in some way.
Bottom line? Whether you're looking for love over 60, or at any age, self-love is not an afterthought...after we find our soul-mate in the world. It is something that calls to be cultivated on a regular basis in self-nurturing, self-soothing and inner work with our own shadows with counselors, therapists and/or spiritual and life coaches. It is certainly not self-indulgence, which springs from a deficiency of self-love. Self-indulgence is an attempt to fill a hole within us which was put there early in our lives and cannot truly be filled later. But, it can be healed. People say, "Forget the past. You can't change it." But you can change how it lives in your...grieving does that. It can heal up that hole over time. And as it does, it makes more positive loving energy available for you to love your life and those in it. If you are loving being alive as you, you are far more likely to attract a vibrant companion to make your days even richer.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
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