There's a page on my website with the same title as this blog. It lists a dozen things you can do to make it more likely you'll find love if you're without it now. The fact is, millions of Baby Boomers are single either because they suffered the death of a spouse or have divorced or just not been able to make a relationship work no matter how hard they tried. Any of these is a terrible hit to the heart. It's not easy to recover, especially from a death after a protracted illness. It's a weird paradox of our generation that so many of us will be blessed with longer life, but will also walk our partners to their last doorway long before we approach our own. It may be an equal paradox that even without such losses, we are living long enough to
move through a number of relationships, unlike many of our parents who stayed married for forty, fifty, even sixty plus years (like mine). Finally, those of us who have been married for decades sometimes hit periods during which we're not happy and not sure what to do about it. Andrea and I have seen all of this in our couples workshops...and we've experienced a lot of it firsthand as well. It's understandable that many of us might feel lost for a period of time after a loss, perceived failure or dull or difficult period in a long relationship..
I don't have any magic answers about finding love over 60 but I do have some experience and a point of view and I intend to share those organically over time, rather than working my way from one through twelve
of the list on my website. Those twelve, to the best of my ability, delineate aspects of a whole...but there are also the elements of love and magic in that whole and, as I've said, it's more difficult to talk about them, at least in prose.
In any case, as a way of beginning what I hope will be a long and full conversation with you, I wanted to share just one main thought right now. It is this: If you are willing to fully experience the grief you may have suffered, rather than run from it or deny it, there is a very good likelihood you will surface from it and discover that you are actually feeling very good about being you and being alive. It might well strike you that you've lived for at least six decades and you've really learned some important things. You might well have learned, as I have, that you are not brilliant at intimate relationships...not in small part because you probably had no real formal path to walk towards mastery. You have probably also learned, however, that you can be more resilient than you might have ever guessed in your twenties or thirties. You've learned that you have some social skills that can still serve you well in meeting new people. And, above all, you may well have learned that there are not good odds in trying to second-guess what life might send your way. In spite of a rather difficult first three decades, my own life has been far more blessed over the last three than I ever could have imagined. Three and a-half years ago, I had an instinct I was going to meet someone to spend the
rest of my days with. But there is no way, with all the imaginative energy in my being, that I could have dreamed up the life I am now living with my darling Andrea.
So, of course there are no guarantees. There never were. We didn't realize that when we were young. Ignorance was bliss. That's one of the lessons you've learned. Now, of course, you might not fall in love again despite your best efforts to find someone. And then again, you might...and it might not work out. Yes, you might get hurt again. But you also might not. It might well be that the odds really are in favor of an extraordinary connection unfolding between you and another human being now that you have lived so much and are so much more capable today than even ten years ago of co-creating something real and beautiful and true. As the old saying goes, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." I believe in the courage to try. I hope you do, too.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
move through a number of relationships, unlike many of our parents who stayed married for forty, fifty, even sixty plus years (like mine). Finally, those of us who have been married for decades sometimes hit periods during which we're not happy and not sure what to do about it. Andrea and I have seen all of this in our couples workshops...and we've experienced a lot of it firsthand as well. It's understandable that many of us might feel lost for a period of time after a loss, perceived failure or dull or difficult period in a long relationship..
I don't have any magic answers about finding love over 60 but I do have some experience and a point of view and I intend to share those organically over time, rather than working my way from one through twelve
of the list on my website. Those twelve, to the best of my ability, delineate aspects of a whole...but there are also the elements of love and magic in that whole and, as I've said, it's more difficult to talk about them, at least in prose.
In any case, as a way of beginning what I hope will be a long and full conversation with you, I wanted to share just one main thought right now. It is this: If you are willing to fully experience the grief you may have suffered, rather than run from it or deny it, there is a very good likelihood you will surface from it and discover that you are actually feeling very good about being you and being alive. It might well strike you that you've lived for at least six decades and you've really learned some important things. You might well have learned, as I have, that you are not brilliant at intimate relationships...not in small part because you probably had no real formal path to walk towards mastery. You have probably also learned, however, that you can be more resilient than you might have ever guessed in your twenties or thirties. You've learned that you have some social skills that can still serve you well in meeting new people. And, above all, you may well have learned that there are not good odds in trying to second-guess what life might send your way. In spite of a rather difficult first three decades, my own life has been far more blessed over the last three than I ever could have imagined. Three and a-half years ago, I had an instinct I was going to meet someone to spend the
rest of my days with. But there is no way, with all the imaginative energy in my being, that I could have dreamed up the life I am now living with my darling Andrea.
So, of course there are no guarantees. There never were. We didn't realize that when we were young. Ignorance was bliss. That's one of the lessons you've learned. Now, of course, you might not fall in love again despite your best efforts to find someone. And then again, you might...and it might not work out. Yes, you might get hurt again. But you also might not. It might well be that the odds really are in favor of an extraordinary connection unfolding between you and another human being now that you have lived so much and are so much more capable today than even ten years ago of co-creating something real and beautiful and true. As the old saying goes, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." I believe in the courage to try. I hope you do, too.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
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