"And they lived happily ever after." I'm sixty-four years old. I've seen a lot of things in my life and being a gregarious guy, I have known a lot of people. I have yet to meet anyone who actually lived happily ever after. And I am not a cynic. I'm just sayin'! I'm actually an optimist and an incurable romantic--for which I offer my love poems as evidence. Still, you have to wonder where this line came from--out of what psychological state. Maybe someone, someday will write a Masters or Ph.D. thesis on that question, because it's an important one. From the earliest age, we are fed misinformation about relationships. We are given gauzy animated fairy tales that usually occupy themselves with the quest to find "the one" and end right there.
The glass slipper fit Cinderella perfectly and she and the Prince lived happily ever after.
The Prince gave Snow White (and Sleeping Beauty--that guy gets around!) the kiss of true
love. She awakened and they lived happily ever after.
When we get to adulthood, Hollywood cranks out for us an endless stream of romantic scenarios that follow the same line. Maybe we should consider the possibility that these stories are actually dumbing us down from an early age and not the best parenting on earth. I love good stories. I'm sure we can come up with some better, fuller fairy tales. Let's give little humans a bit more credit:
"When the Prince brought Cinderella to his castle, at first she was dazzled. It was really big and her house had been really small. But after a while, she felt really sad and withdrew into her room. The Prince didn't understand at first. He stood outside her door begging her to come out. He got angry with her and walked away for a while to sulk in his own room. But then, it suddenly made sense to him that Cinderella wasn't feeling at home in his castle. It was 1000 times bigger than the house she had known. And she had been a servant to her sisters for all those years. He couldn't expect her to suddenly feel comfortable being a princess in a palace. He went back to her room and talked to her through the door. He talked to her in a soft, loving voice. He told her he understood and it was ok. He heard her crying through the door and told her she had every right to those tears and he knew it would take some time before she would really feel at home with him. He told her that he had been very lonely before he met her and he really needed her. Cinderella opened the door and they held each other for a long time. They cried together because it felt so good for each of them to finally have someone who really understood what they were feeling. A few days later, Cinderella told the Prince that even though her sisters treated her badly, she liked living in a little house. So he offered to build her a small cottage not far from the palace, just for her...where she could go whenever life as a princess stopped being fun. She accepted and he built it. Over the years, Cinderella went there less and less as she grieved over her early life with her stepmother and sisters. She grew inside and became the Prince's true partner in life, sharing responsibility for running a kingdom where nobody was ever treated again like a servant by his or her own sisters or brothers." I mean, is it really so hard to tell a captivating tale that has some element of reality to it?
Maybe the word happiness has been so overused that it has become nondescript. The love I have for
Andrea is way bigger than a "happily ever after" love. It is an enormous terrain with all kinds of different eco-systems within it.. Why would humans think that love can or should be reduced to a single quality, like happiness? Happiness and its counterpart, joy, have both become words that leak fluid, like an old transmission. What do they mean?
" I'm happy that I got a new iPad."
" I'm so happy that I got that job."
"I'm joyful over my new VW."
"I'm going to be on Oprah and I am beside myself with joyful happiness"
I enjoy these moments as anyone would. But the point is that they are moments, call them semi-peak moments because they're not in the same category as the vaunted "peak experience." If you come into a love relationship expecting or thinking you're entitled to always feel like someone just gave you a new iPhone or 2 cruise tickets to Barbados, you are in for a majorly rude awakening.
What would I replace this language with? If I were limited to one phrase it would be
"a sense of rightness", a sense that you fit, even when you don't. Paradox? Yes, but truth. Even in the ways that you sometimes hurt each other and struggle with each other, totally miss each other's intent and then have to reconnect; even on days when you are both so busy that it seems all you can do is kiss each other goodnight; even on days when you go temporarily insane and really don't like each other; even on days when repugnant aspects of the world intrude on you and throw you way off balance...on these and many other kinds of days and moments, you have a sense of being with the right person in the relationship you're supposed to be in, slowly but surely growing and creating something meaningful together and helping each other stand up in the world as the whole persons you are both capable of being.
For me, this is more a "deep" than a "high"--so the words happiness and joy are too limiting. A deep is something we feel when our feet are firmly planted in the real world where relationships unfold in their own subtle, sometimes painful but beautiful way. Real love is so may things. Let's give it room to breathe. Let's not imprison it in a box with a bow that reads, "Happily ever after."
C 2011 Bob Kamm
The glass slipper fit Cinderella perfectly and she and the Prince lived happily ever after.
The Prince gave Snow White (and Sleeping Beauty--that guy gets around!) the kiss of true
love. She awakened and they lived happily ever after.
When we get to adulthood, Hollywood cranks out for us an endless stream of romantic scenarios that follow the same line. Maybe we should consider the possibility that these stories are actually dumbing us down from an early age and not the best parenting on earth. I love good stories. I'm sure we can come up with some better, fuller fairy tales. Let's give little humans a bit more credit:
"When the Prince brought Cinderella to his castle, at first she was dazzled. It was really big and her house had been really small. But after a while, she felt really sad and withdrew into her room. The Prince didn't understand at first. He stood outside her door begging her to come out. He got angry with her and walked away for a while to sulk in his own room. But then, it suddenly made sense to him that Cinderella wasn't feeling at home in his castle. It was 1000 times bigger than the house she had known. And she had been a servant to her sisters for all those years. He couldn't expect her to suddenly feel comfortable being a princess in a palace. He went back to her room and talked to her through the door. He talked to her in a soft, loving voice. He told her he understood and it was ok. He heard her crying through the door and told her she had every right to those tears and he knew it would take some time before she would really feel at home with him. He told her that he had been very lonely before he met her and he really needed her. Cinderella opened the door and they held each other for a long time. They cried together because it felt so good for each of them to finally have someone who really understood what they were feeling. A few days later, Cinderella told the Prince that even though her sisters treated her badly, she liked living in a little house. So he offered to build her a small cottage not far from the palace, just for her...where she could go whenever life as a princess stopped being fun. She accepted and he built it. Over the years, Cinderella went there less and less as she grieved over her early life with her stepmother and sisters. She grew inside and became the Prince's true partner in life, sharing responsibility for running a kingdom where nobody was ever treated again like a servant by his or her own sisters or brothers." I mean, is it really so hard to tell a captivating tale that has some element of reality to it?
Maybe the word happiness has been so overused that it has become nondescript. The love I have for
Andrea is way bigger than a "happily ever after" love. It is an enormous terrain with all kinds of different eco-systems within it.. Why would humans think that love can or should be reduced to a single quality, like happiness? Happiness and its counterpart, joy, have both become words that leak fluid, like an old transmission. What do they mean?
" I'm happy that I got a new iPad."
" I'm so happy that I got that job."
"I'm joyful over my new VW."
"I'm going to be on Oprah and I am beside myself with joyful happiness"
I enjoy these moments as anyone would. But the point is that they are moments, call them semi-peak moments because they're not in the same category as the vaunted "peak experience." If you come into a love relationship expecting or thinking you're entitled to always feel like someone just gave you a new iPhone or 2 cruise tickets to Barbados, you are in for a majorly rude awakening.
What would I replace this language with? If I were limited to one phrase it would be
"a sense of rightness", a sense that you fit, even when you don't. Paradox? Yes, but truth. Even in the ways that you sometimes hurt each other and struggle with each other, totally miss each other's intent and then have to reconnect; even on days when you are both so busy that it seems all you can do is kiss each other goodnight; even on days when you go temporarily insane and really don't like each other; even on days when repugnant aspects of the world intrude on you and throw you way off balance...on these and many other kinds of days and moments, you have a sense of being with the right person in the relationship you're supposed to be in, slowly but surely growing and creating something meaningful together and helping each other stand up in the world as the whole persons you are both capable of being.
For me, this is more a "deep" than a "high"--so the words happiness and joy are too limiting. A deep is something we feel when our feet are firmly planted in the real world where relationships unfold in their own subtle, sometimes painful but beautiful way. Real love is so may things. Let's give it room to breathe. Let's not imprison it in a box with a bow that reads, "Happily ever after."
C 2011 Bob Kamm
No comments:
Post a Comment