My relationship with Andrea is the center of my life. Since we met in our sixties, neither of us was a novice when we came to it. Yet, frankly, I was still naive in a rather important way. I had never experienced a relationship that I felt was more important than either of us, once the initial romantic stage was over.
But just over a year into my relationship with Andrea, I remember very clearly hearing in my mind's ear John F. Kennedy's famous exhortation, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country," and thinking that all we need do is substitute the word "relationship" for the word "country" and you would have exact and succinct guidance for a deeply satisfying intimate relationship. Put even more concisely, "Serve the relationship." Serve it, nurture it, support it, revere it and do so in a constant stream of consciousness throughout your days.
It's embarrassing to admit, but the truth is that I acted most of the time as if the main purpose of my past relationships was to serve me. My moods, obsessions, imperfections and rantings were to be understood with deep empathy and even indulged because I had "an artist's disposition." While I did make an effort to be present to my previous partners, I often was quietly indignant that they seemed to need as much empathy and understanding as I did. And as I think about the many relationships I've witnessed in my life, it strikes me that I have not been alone in this imbalance.
These days, I regularly ask myself, "What serves the US? What serves our greater good as a couple? What does Andrea need from me?" This is not to say that I've swung from self-absorption to self-denial. The benefits of both of those are over-rated What has happend is that I'm in a very different spiritual and energetic state than the one in which I've spent much of my adult life. I find myself seeing the relationship itself as a work of art, worthy of my deepest creativity, even in what may seem the smallest moment. I find myself working to find a way to say, "Yes!" to things I used to say no to. Many of these, on the surface, seem like small things. But much of the glue in a relationship solidifies through small gestures whose core message is, "This is concrete evidence of my caring." And, by contrast, so many of the battles in relationships are over small things because one of us feels the absence of that kind of evidence of love.
Yes, Love wants reality. Love wants proof and ultimately lives or dies in the accumulated meanings of small moments. We all get reactive and defensive. The question is, "What happens next?" Do we stay in that state or try to shake free of it, become conscious, make better choices.
I do not claim to be a master in the art of the intimate relationship. In fact, in many ways, I'm just a beginner. The poem, Sunlight and Shadows, in Love Over 60 offers plenty of evidence of that. But I think I'm in a very big club. I frequently work to move from reactive defensiveness to intentionally serving our relationship. Of course, this is sometimes very difficult and when it is, it takes a little longer to come to full consciousness about a given issue. The blathering, defensive chatter in my head sometimes has to run its course until quiet returns long enough for the heart to be heard. But that calm does come and the small sweet voice of the heart speaks its simple truth. Then, what seemed like such a big, principled issue reveals itself as insignificant in the great scheme of things. Why did it seem like such a big deal for those moments? That question deserves at least one separate blog post, which I'll write soon...but for now, suffice it to say that early childhood wounds that lay unresolved below the surface of consciousness get triggered. When that happens, they tend to hijack the moment and we lose ourselves in an old scenario.
Beyond that, let me say simply for now that by honoring the small moments and filling them with evidence of love, we become more flexible, more open and more connected.
So when you think about finding love over 60, or rejuvenating love in a long-term relationship, it is good to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what habits you might have developed over decades which, if left to reign, will slowly but surely push your partner away. There are people who have been together for decades and fallen into routines that are far too comfortable, routines that allow them to avoid conflict. Avoiding conflict when you have very few communication tools may have a certain wisdom to it. But avoiding conflict when you do have some decent tools truncates opportunities to grow and deepen your relationship. Conflict is a call to growth, which is to say, you can have pain without growth but you can't have growth without some pain.
It is good to follow reaction with inquiry as to where the reaction came from and who it really serves. It is good to open our hearts to ask every day, several times a day, "What am I called to do today, how am I called to grow to help this relationship flourish?" It is good to see the intimate relationship as calling forth your deepest creativity. It is good to be patient with yourself and your partner as you commit to a long journey of learning. It is good to be forgiving with yourself and your partner when you temporarily get caught up in hurting each other. And it is good to show up for the smallest moment and pour something into that leaves no doubt in your partner's mind that you truly love them.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
But just over a year into my relationship with Andrea, I remember very clearly hearing in my mind's ear John F. Kennedy's famous exhortation, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country," and thinking that all we need do is substitute the word "relationship" for the word "country" and you would have exact and succinct guidance for a deeply satisfying intimate relationship. Put even more concisely, "Serve the relationship." Serve it, nurture it, support it, revere it and do so in a constant stream of consciousness throughout your days.
It's embarrassing to admit, but the truth is that I acted most of the time as if the main purpose of my past relationships was to serve me. My moods, obsessions, imperfections and rantings were to be understood with deep empathy and even indulged because I had "an artist's disposition." While I did make an effort to be present to my previous partners, I often was quietly indignant that they seemed to need as much empathy and understanding as I did. And as I think about the many relationships I've witnessed in my life, it strikes me that I have not been alone in this imbalance.
These days, I regularly ask myself, "What serves the US? What serves our greater good as a couple? What does Andrea need from me?" This is not to say that I've swung from self-absorption to self-denial. The benefits of both of those are over-rated What has happend is that I'm in a very different spiritual and energetic state than the one in which I've spent much of my adult life. I find myself seeing the relationship itself as a work of art, worthy of my deepest creativity, even in what may seem the smallest moment. I find myself working to find a way to say, "Yes!" to things I used to say no to. Many of these, on the surface, seem like small things. But much of the glue in a relationship solidifies through small gestures whose core message is, "This is concrete evidence of my caring." And, by contrast, so many of the battles in relationships are over small things because one of us feels the absence of that kind of evidence of love.
Yes, Love wants reality. Love wants proof and ultimately lives or dies in the accumulated meanings of small moments. We all get reactive and defensive. The question is, "What happens next?" Do we stay in that state or try to shake free of it, become conscious, make better choices.
I do not claim to be a master in the art of the intimate relationship. In fact, in many ways, I'm just a beginner. The poem, Sunlight and Shadows, in Love Over 60 offers plenty of evidence of that. But I think I'm in a very big club. I frequently work to move from reactive defensiveness to intentionally serving our relationship. Of course, this is sometimes very difficult and when it is, it takes a little longer to come to full consciousness about a given issue. The blathering, defensive chatter in my head sometimes has to run its course until quiet returns long enough for the heart to be heard. But that calm does come and the small sweet voice of the heart speaks its simple truth. Then, what seemed like such a big, principled issue reveals itself as insignificant in the great scheme of things. Why did it seem like such a big deal for those moments? That question deserves at least one separate blog post, which I'll write soon...but for now, suffice it to say that early childhood wounds that lay unresolved below the surface of consciousness get triggered. When that happens, they tend to hijack the moment and we lose ourselves in an old scenario.
Beyond that, let me say simply for now that by honoring the small moments and filling them with evidence of love, we become more flexible, more open and more connected.
So when you think about finding love over 60, or rejuvenating love in a long-term relationship, it is good to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what habits you might have developed over decades which, if left to reign, will slowly but surely push your partner away. There are people who have been together for decades and fallen into routines that are far too comfortable, routines that allow them to avoid conflict. Avoiding conflict when you have very few communication tools may have a certain wisdom to it. But avoiding conflict when you do have some decent tools truncates opportunities to grow and deepen your relationship. Conflict is a call to growth, which is to say, you can have pain without growth but you can't have growth without some pain.
It is good to follow reaction with inquiry as to where the reaction came from and who it really serves. It is good to open our hearts to ask every day, several times a day, "What am I called to do today, how am I called to grow to help this relationship flourish?" It is good to see the intimate relationship as calling forth your deepest creativity. It is good to be patient with yourself and your partner as you commit to a long journey of learning. It is good to be forgiving with yourself and your partner when you temporarily get caught up in hurting each other. And it is good to show up for the smallest moment and pour something into that leaves no doubt in your partner's mind that you truly love them.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
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