So...love. What is it? Is it a liquid? A solid? A gas? Is it a state of being or a transcendence beyond anything science or religion can touch? Plato called it "divine madness". So is it a form of madness? An addiction or compulsion? Or a divinely outrageous creation of two souls gyrating and dancing within and beyond their bodies? My suspicion is "all of the above" and I don't see that as an easy way out of the conundrum. Rather it is an embracing of it.
Love is both knowable and unknowable. Some of it can be described behaviorally and scientifically, but to do so doesn't touch the actual personal and interpersonal experience of falling in love and being in love. So I'm fine with neuropsychiatrists talking about
the limbic system, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and hormones--the electrochemical
mighty mischief. I find the micro-architecture and processes of the brain enormously interesting, even poetic. But in the last analysis--if there ever is one--the language required to describe the inner experience of love is poetry, not science. Thus, my book, Love Over 60...love poetry that, I hope, speaks to lovers of all ages, and to scientists, philosophers and therapists. Finding myself at 60 single once again, I didn't think I could find love. I mourned for weeks about this. Then, I guess I got past that critical tear--the tear beyond which enough grieving has occurred to change our inner dynamics. I awoke one morning quite certain that I was indeed going to find love again. I called my son, Ben, and said, "I'm going to wake up a year from now next to the woman I love. I just haven't met her yet." Six weeks later, I met Andrea and, in the parlance of today, it was an OMG to the tenth power. Can science explain all this magic? I doubt it. But poetry can.
We have had an extraordinary three plus years together now and are just really getting started. Andrea is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I am a leadership consultant with two certifications in Imago Relationship Therapy, the model Andrea uses. We both have been working in the realm of the heart for many years, although I certainly would not call myself an expert...and am not sure there is a person truly worthy of that term.
I have taken an avid interest in the brain, studying the works of Damasio, Le Doux, Schore, Siegel and others. So all through our romantic period, I had a joyful sense of irony knowing what parts of my brain were sucking up all the oxygen! Now that we are really creating a life together, I still find it fascinating, even as I write a poem, to feel, actually feel, what part of my brain is engaged. One of Damasio's books is titled, "The Feeling of What Happens". What a great phrase. The feeling of what happens throughout my body in this love is at least to some degree, what I hope I have mapped in Love Over 60.
So my intention in this blog is to explore the geography and geology of love, the science and the poetry of it, and above all, the personal experience of it from the sunlight to the shadows and back again. I invite you to join me in this joyful exploration.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
So my intention in this blog is to explore the geography and geology of love, the science and the poetry of it, and above all, the personal experience of it from the sunlight to the shadows and back again. I invite you to join me in this joyful exploration.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
The Listening
As I write this, I'm sitting in a condo in Costa Rica, right on the Pacific. It's about 1:30 in the afternoon which means sane Norte Americanos are safely hunkered down in the a/c...unless you're a surfer, of course.
Whether you're in the States, Central America, Europe, wherever, the issues and challenges of keeping an intimate relationship worthy of that word are universally interesting to people. We're pretty friendly travelers. We like meeting new people and when we happen to share with someone that we have The San Luis Relationship Institute and do a lot of work with couples, they get curious and often end up sharing about their own relationships and asking for advice. Some are coy about how they approach the topic. Some will get straight to the point. Last night, a young man in his mid-thirties we happened to be doing a little business with down here didn't waste a moment. He was passionately interested in having a deeper connection with his wife...but the way that interest emerged was in his expressing some frustration over his wife not being as interested in doing many of the things they did together when they were courting, things in the outdoors he particularly liked. He asked what he might do to reignite her interest.
I took him out on the balcony to watch the sunset as I gathered my thoughts, looking for something in my Imago toolbox that might work for him (I'm a certified Imago Educator and Workshop Presenter). He is a very bright, hard working young fellow and was quite earnest in his question. We talk a lot in our practice about fully appreciating our partner as a separate individual with a unique point of view that will not always align with our own. When we're able to cross that open space between us--what we call the relational field--and see the world through their eyes instead of trying to get them to see things our way, we experience a shift of energy, often for the better, and often more empathy centered. So I asked my young acquaintance this question: "Do you think there are things your wife wishes you were still interested in doing with her...that you used to do more of when you were courting?"
He laughed, then dropped his head, then poked me in the chest in a friendly manner. "Wow, that's a really good point. So maybe we're both missing something."
"Chances are pretty good it's a mutual thing," I said. Now, we were in each other's company to do some business. This was not a counseling session and he was not my client. So I thought I'd just give him one suggestion in the form of a set of questions. "Do you really listen to her? Are you really attuned to her? Can you listen to her without judgment and without rushing ahead to a solution?"
He laughed, then dropped his head, then poked me in the chest in a friendly manner. "Wow, that's a really good point. So maybe we're both missing something."
"Chances are pretty good it's a mutual thing," I said. Now, we were in each other's company to do some business. This was not a counseling session and he was not my client. So I thought I'd just give him one suggestion in the form of a set of questions. "Do you really listen to her? Are you really attuned to her? Can you listen to her without judgment and without rushing ahead to a solution?"
He shook his head and readily admitted he wasn't doing his best work in that area...and that he did tend to rush ahead to find solutions instead of just letting her express herself.
"If you want your wife to do more of those things with you that you love, make sure, first of all, that you really show up for her, that you hear her and respond to her. If you do that, you'll likely find she'll be a lot more interested in rekindling some of those activities that used to give you so much pleasure."
As Harville Hendrix, our mentor, says, you could call this "the listening cure". We all want to be heard. Early in our relationships, we listen from a very deep place to everything our lover tells us. This ability resides in almost all of us, long after the romantic phase of our relationship has ended. The thing is to rejuvenate it and embrace it as a sacred practice, moment by moment, day by day. Practice...that says exactly what is called for. Practice listening empathetically with the same commitment you might apply to mastering your profession or your favorite past-time (golf is the obvious example that comes to mind).
This fellow was a young man, but we hear the same pain in folks who've been married for decades and over all have pretty good relationships. No matter your age, may you ask with love for the things you desire. May you listen with love to the things your partner desires...and may you both say, "Yes!" as much as possible.
C 2010 Bob Kamm
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