Keep the Hits Coming

In our couples work at The San Luis Relationship Institute (www.slrii.com ) we are often asked, “How do we keep the love alive, the fires burning in our relationship?” People write entire books to answer that question, but I want to talk about one thing in particular here that I think is often over-looked. There is a wonderful phrase in Erich Fromm’s 1956 book, The Art of Loving. He says we ought to make loving “a matter of ultimate concern.” And was quite clear, writing 6 decades ago, that he did not believe most people were doing that.

When we’re falling in love, of course love is a matter of ultimate concern. It’s easy to feel that during the romantic phase. We are inebriated with each other. Our brains are marinated in neuro-chemicals. Sweet as that inebriation is, it doesn’t last. Fromm points out that only once can we have the exciting experience of discovering this unique person for the very first time. Only once with this person will our days be full of the delight of the unexpected. But that necessarily comes to an end. The high tide of neuro-chemicals subsides, mainly because we are actually getting to know this person. Now, as I’ve written in the opening poem of Love Over 60, The Choice, we have a choice before us. Having fallen in love, will we choose love? Will we stand up, rather than falling, and walk in love, together? Experience teaches us the obvious—that sometimes we will not feel so good about each other. Sometimes we will hurt and be hurt by each other. Just as when we were children, the person on whom we most depend for safety and who undoubtedly provides it much of the time, is also capable of wrenching it from us. We’ve worked with couples who are newlyweds and some who have been married over fifty years. The experiences follow a common arc. There's closeness and joy...but there is also pain when our connection is ruptured. The big question most of us face at some point is do we stand and work our way back to each other or go off seeking another “love fix” from someone else?

I believe there is more joy when we stand for love and walk in love and accept the reality that human nature involves a full range of emotions and experiences. "Perfect" is a concept for those not well-grounded in reality. I also believe that even in those relationships that seem stuck or parallel without a lot of connection, there are moments when people look at each other and get what I call “a love hit”. Suddenly the deep affection they feel for their partner hits them right in the heart. The question then is, do they express it or just allow it to pass silently?

I said at the outset that I just wanted to talk about one aspect of keeping the fires alive. This is it. When you get a love hit for your partner, no matter where you are, how far from you they might be emotionally or physically at the moment, find a way to let them know. Speak it directly or send a card or flowers or write a poem or letter or give them an unexpected hug for a minute. Don’t keep it a secret. Let your partner know what you are feeling. Try looking in their eyes and just saying something like, “I just got a hit in my heart about how much I appreciate and love you.” No asterisks. No qualifiers. Just say it and let it sink in. This may not be the way you normally express yourself. It may feel uncomfortable, awkward. Do it anyway. The hits are likely to keep coming so you'll have lots of opportunities to practice. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't come out right the first time...although, "I love you" is pretty straightforward.

It may well have been magical when one of you got down on a knee years ago to propose; but these hits are the living breathing proof that you’re both glad the answer was yes.
C 2010 Bob Kamm