So what about all these dating websites? Well, I have two very good friends each of whom has a wonderful long-term relationship with someone he met through these sites, one on Match.com and the other on JDate.com. Before I met Andrea, I tried them, principally Match.com. I was not as lucky as my friends. I discovered some things that are probably common knowledge to people who have been working the process for a while…but if you’re a newcomer, this is important news. For example, a lot of people upload pictures of themselves that are not only old, but airbrushed. No kidding. You’d think that people would share images and information that will be validated when you meet face to face, rather than set you up for a shock. But I was on these sites for about six weeks and had about six coffee meetings and was, frankly, astonished at the gap between what I can only call “the sales pitch” and the reality. It was like being on Mr. Toad’s wild ride. I was very open, honest and eager but found myself getting whiplash between interest and disappointment. I came to call online dating “The Bipolar Express.”
So I quickly came to the conclusion that there is an actual skill-set to using online dating sites and it makes sense to go into the process as a student in quest of those skills before you can effectively be in quest of mate. In all likelihood, each of us has to ride that learning curve in his or her own way. But it seems to me there are at least five things we could agree on that are part of the skill-set.
1. Be rigorously honest about yourself. Rather than making your profile sound like you are special delivery from the angels and love romantic walks on the beach, snuggling by the fireside on a rainy night, traveling to exotic places (who doesn’t?), are the world’s best listener and eager to give foot massages every evening, just tell the truth about yourself. In addition to your good qualities, share something that’s believable because it’s so real, for example, “I can’t claim to be a master of relationships but I am open and always trying to improve how I communicate and listen.”
2. When you get to the first phone call, be friendly and courteous but don’t be afraid to ask some questions that call for a matching honesty, such as, “What are you best at in relationship…and what are you not so great at?” If your chat is all feathers, petals and fantasy, that’s what you’re likely to get back. Be real. Share real. Ask real questions.
3. Accept the fact that no matter how well things have gone up to this point, you have no idea what you’re going to feel when you meet face to face. There is a magical “it” factor that has to be present for true love and there’s no way of knowing if it’ll be there till you meet. Physical attraction is such a unique and mysterious thing. So you have to be courageous and be willing to go to coffee after coffee if necessary for weeks or even months. Pace them out so you maintain your optimism and openness. When you can tell you’re not with someone you want to date, get to honesty as quickly and kindly as you can. In this new world, people are getting used to lines like, “You seem like a really good person but I don’t think we’re a match. Thanks for coming to meet me.” You don’t have to explain why. A lot of people are trying this process and discovering the same truths, the main one being there is no sense in wasting anyone’s time.
4. Remember your own pattern of mistakes. We all have them and the point is to learn from them. If you quickly feel yourself falling into a familiar trap, for example, of being a rescuer or a victim, don’t pursue the relationship. Your gut is probably right that you’re headed for the same spin cycle you’ve been trying to exit.
5. Read Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want and Eric Fromm’s The Art of Loving. Both are full of wisdom. If you are fortunate enough to meet someone you really click with, be oriented toward doing some work with a talented therapist, especially an Imago therapist (Hendrix’s process) once you come out of the white heat of the romantic phase. Living for fifty or sixty years doesn’t necessarily confer on us the exact skills necessary to have a deep, constant intimate relationship. Having the humility to recognize this is a huge advantage. At our age, we don’t want to waste time falling back into old hurtful patterns. Working with the right therapist can be a vital and rewarding experience told that will help us move beyond the old dynamics that might have limited or even ended past relationships.
There might be tips others would give you but I’m not intending to write a primer on Online Dating. If you go at this in earnest, you really might meet someone…and you might not. You might get exhausted and decide to stay home for a while and give your dog more love than she can stand. And there really still are other ways to meet people, old-fashioned ways, like at work, in the grocery line, at a coffee shop, chess or bird-watching club, hiking your favorite trail, on a singles cruise or zip-lining in Costa Rica! One of the most beautiful things about life is that it has things in store for us we did not imagine. Andrea and I could never have imagined the series of events that unfolded between us, which I’ve described in the introduction of Love Over 60. Again, stay open, optimistic and ready to walk right through the doorway of a new opportunity, expected or not!
C 2010 Bob Kamm
C 2010 Bob Kamm
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