Strength versus Toughness

   One of the most common misunderstandings on the part of people in management/leadership roles is the thought that "you have to be tough" in order to be effective.  "You can't get too close to your people.  After all, you might have to fire them."  Or, "Sometimes you have to give a real a--chewing to someone and it's hard to do that if you're close." 
   Let's be very clear about this.  Tough and Strong are not the same.  Aggressive and assertive are not the same. People who prefer tough generally are operating out of an insecure energy, rather than the energy of confidence and competency.  I"ve worked for such people.  It's not always that they can't do it differently but just don't know there is an alternative.  They don't realize that you don't have to give anyone an a--chewing.  There are better ways to talk to people, ways that are more likely to get you positive results.  These authoritarian approaches don't project a calm and strong sense of self, a sense that it's possible to havedirect but empathetic talks with underperformers.  But the truth is, the closer you get to people in a genuine way, the more affecton and respect they feel for you, the more likely they are to dig deep and give you their all.  You'll notice I used affection and respect in the same sentence.  You've got to have both.  You've got to be good enough at relationship that you can evoke both feelings roughly in equal measure.  It is a false assumption to believe that people won't respect you if you're too close to them.  People will not respect you if you're unable to tell them the truth with decency. So, if you either don't tell them the truth, sugarcoat it or are unnecessarily bombastic and hurtful, no, people won't respect you.
    Most of us want to be close to our leaders.  We want to know and be known by them.  We want to feel that we are on the same quest.  I have worked for "too tough" and "too nice".  They are equally limited.  I have also worked for and with a few people who are strong enough to be warm, fully engaged and straight to the point about shortfalls.
   This is not as hard to accomplish as most people think.  If you're in a leadership position, you undoubtedly have many positive qualities.  You are probably already a fair communicator.  Maybe no one has either given you permission or offered a model of what it looks like to be calm, straight, clean and empathetic in sensitive situations, but you can find your way there, as I and others have. You can mobilize the energy of confidence and competency rather than trying to play from a weak side.
    In my book, The Superman Syndrome (2000) I give a comprehensive treatment of how we deal with "prima donnas" in our organizations.  These are people who actually are very productive but reach their numbers in ways that tend to breathe toxicity into the culture and actually limit or depress the performance of others.  Leaders coming from the weak side fear confronting these people becaue "I need their production."  Arrogant leaders think, "I don't need them!"  Neither attitude is helpful.  The essence of my coaching with prima donnas is as follows:  We sit down and tell such folks in a calm, "You're a good producer.  We value your production.  You make a number of important contributions to the organization, but you are also doing things that undercut those contributions very seriously and they are not acceptable."  Now we give them a clear description of the offensive behavior and just one example, with the assurance that there are many more examples, unfortunately. We don't allow the person to respond until we're done.  We continue, "You might try to deny you do this, but that would be a waste of your energy.  You do it.  I know it. Your coworkers know it...and I'm pretty sure you know it.  So now the question is, 'Do you want to change and are you capable of changing to eliminate that behavior?'  So what I want you to do is take the next two days off to think about this.  I want you to come back to me then and tell me either you are all in for the personal growth we're calling for or you can't and won't do it...in which you are choosing to leave.  That would be unfortunate and sad, but the status quo is unfortunate and sad...and unacceptable.  So think it through.  We hope you'll decide to stay and commit yourself to some very positive changes.  We'll see you in a few days."  This is Management by Truth.   It is assertiveness without aggression and it works.
  This is just one example of how you can be direct and yet decent.  There are many others we could offer in less acute situations.  Bottom line?  A great leader does not fear getting too close to his people because he knows he strong enough to serve the greater good of the organization, even if that means having to terminate someone he cares about deeply.  See http://www.bobkamm.com/ for more...or purchase The Superman Syndrome on http://www.amazon.com/